Christmas with my children
I see I haven't written in awhile
but today
I have something to say
things I want to write down
like a marker left along the side of the path
by someone passing through.
No one forced me
I chose consciously to have children
I have no regrets about it
My girls are amazing creatures.
Before that I chose to marry
I decided to participate in life
rather than sit on the sidelines
and watch other people have lives.
Contrary to what New Agers like to think
no one decides to be born
It's an interesting theory
that before we are embodied as a person
we're floating in the ether and we choose
the life we end up in
so as to learn certain lessons
There is merit in thinking that way
In particular, it undercuts the idea of victimhood.
However, I don't have a reason to believe that
And I don't believe I'm a victim, either:
I'm an f'ing martyr!
Haha, that's a self-deprecating wisecrack
and true.
Before I chose to marry
I decided to pursue a mainstream career
It was 1976
I saw a picture of Ginger Adams in the Banner-Herald
She was going to grad school in Psychology
"I'm such a fool," I thought.
"Why didn't I do that?"
The next thought was,
"Maybe it's not too late."
So, I decided to see if I could be a psychologist, too
Rock star wasn't working out so well
and I was deeply interested in Carl Jung
and his astute observations
of spiritual life among the Homo sapiens
For the first time the doings of humans
made some sense
to me.
So I went after it and got it
I found out what I was capable of doing
I've proven myself in society
I'm a success
Lots of people on Facebook read my posts
and look at my pix
They admire me
I'm a rock star!
Bahaha!
As I write this blog on my Macbook
My own soundcloud tracks are playing
on the same machine
(Isn't the technology we have amazing?
I carry the thing everywhere
and keep on writing straight through
laborious trips to the toilet)
Murder USA plays
A song I wrote for my novel
and recorded at a famous studio
Excuse me,
but it's a great rock&roll song!
Yes, I've even written a novel
(and let me also mention I'm an accomplished guitarist
and a recording artist!)
at one time thinking it (the novel) was going to win acclaim
But not so far and that's a different story.
This blog is about my children
my three daughters
I say "my" but they don't belong to me
Not really
They're all technical adults
Ages 29, 26 and 25.
out there proving what they can do
They all have good jobs
very good jobs with a future
They're all decent people with good values
So I succeeded there, too.
And now
Christmas is once more upon us
and they're all three coming home
This house in Baton Rouge is still their home
They all rent and even after you buy a house
Your parents' house is still your home
at least in my experience
If you're someone who knows me
you know I still stay in Mom's old house
on Milledge Terrace
When I visit her in Athens, Georgia
You would also know
Mom is 97 years old
and resides in an upscale assisted living community-
I love you so much, Mom!
I love my girls, too
but I'm not looking forward to seeing them
Well, maybe a little
Let's face it- I spoiled all of them
When they were babies
it was I who got up in the night
with a bottle.
When they were a little older,
I read to them,
played with them,
made sure they didn't stick fingers into outlets,
took off work to take them to Dr. Hill,
got them where they needed to go
for years on end,
supported whatever they were interested in,
bought them cute clothes
some of which I picked out myself
took them on cool vacations
where they had organized activities
(which, I admit, got them out of our hair all day).
They got older
and I still did everything I could
and made sure they had good schools
and enrichment activities
and trips to faraway places
like Europe
and Africa.
I worked hard to pay for everything
and made them the biggest priority
and got my parents to help pay for their colleges
which were quite expensive
Apparently, they take all this for granted
or don't remember
and I don't feel like spoiling them any further
I don't feel like catering to everyone
(except, of course, my Mom
who is almost no trouble at all)
They are still kids,
works in progress
I see it all
I understand.
Maybe writing this is helping me
to get into a better mindset
so I can view this Christmas positively
Despite all the things alluded to above
things that I am truly grateful for
and appreciative of
and do not believe I'm entitled to
for there are no entitlements in this life
I tend to view my life as a hassle
I tend to lack enthusiasm these days
I tend to be a bit dysthymic
not depressed like I've been in times past
Just blah
I tend to see everything as futile
Even today I was thinking
I wouldn't mind not existing
so as not to have to hassle with life anymore
with children
with work
with being so considerate and anxious
about impinging on other people
like Mary Lou
and the girls.
They're going to come here
and impinge on me
and I don't want to be f'ing Scrooge
Mr. Grinch
I can do it
I want to do it
I will do it
I will figure out an approach
that works
for me.
