My new mantra: Is this good use of my time?

 List of good uses of time

-Supporting and amplifying pro-Ukrainian voices on Twitter

-Walking for exercise

-Doing pushups daily

Taking care of the yard

-Practicing my songs

-Organizing my archives

-Improving my recordings of original songs (especially vocals)

-Watching BBC shows with Mary Lou

-Supporting and entertaining friends on Facebook and Instagram

-Keeping up with sports on the Athletic

-Revising my novel

-Playing at Henry Turner Jr's Listening Room

-Helping family members in various ways

Thought: I make good use of my time but the balance needs improvement (less time on my phone, more time on other goals/activities)

Who would have thought freedom would be a problem?

Yet, here I am, retired almost 4 years with almost no set responsibilities, and I find myself feeling anxious about what to do with my freedom and whether I'm using it wisely. "The clock is ticking and it all counts," I've said many times. But I realize there's no right and wrong answer, as long as I'm not doing harm to myself or others. The wise goal is to nurture myself and others and to take care of business in my own little world of safety and comfort. Looked at from that angle, I see room for improvement, particularly in getting more exercise, spending less time staring at my phone, and putting my archives and recordings of my music into order. I think about those goals every day. Perhaps I can do more of it starting now.

I have made a big decision (Lou Reed)

For months I've been telling myself I need to get the studio and all the family archives into order. Today, I looked around at the clutter and thought about where to start.  My eyes fell on two boxes containing old typed drafts of Double-take. I decided to throw most of it, maybe 1000 pages, into the recycling bin. I kept my final draft (October 2006) and two of my earliest ones from January and February 2005.

Laura McMullen

A few days after Jane died, I received the not unexpected news Laura had passed from this life. Like Jane, Laura developed colon cancer that proved incurable. I have to think neither of them followed standard medical recommendations to have preventive colonoscopies. In any case, both ended their lives in hospice. Laura took better care of herself and remained lucid until the end. I exchanged meaningful messages with Laura in her final months and let her know how much our friendship meant to me. She appreciated my original music and my mind perhaps more than any of my close friends. She faced death bravely with peace and acceptance. I will miss her dearly.

Peace

I received the call from the Butterfly Wing hospice that Jane died there this evening. When I visited her this morning she was sleeping peacefully. I didn't want to disturb her sleep so I placed a vase of flowers I'd brought next to her bed. The vase was from my mother's Candlewick collection. Tomorrow is Mother's Day.

Stressful times

As of Friday morning, Jane is still alive. As for me, I'm emotionally drained having spent all day Monday through Thursday visiting Jane, conferring with and providing emotional support to family members, taking care of her two cats and composing an objective timeline of the events starting with arriving at the ER. I was too tired to play music at Henry Turner Jr's Room last night. This morning I finally had time to be at home with no pressing responsibilities. I plan to visit her this afternoon. I think her time is near.

Jane

Jane has been moved to the Butterfly Center hospice unit. I'm with her now. Jane seems sleepy or sedated today. She was a little responsive to me but didn't try to talk much. She seems comfortable with the pain medication they're giving her. Kayte spoke to her over my cellphone which was very touching. Per her Living Will, Jane isn't being fed; so, she isn't likely to live much longer. No one would want to live in her miserable condition. 

Jane Kelley

Jane was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer several months ago. She has been undergoing chemotherapy but had much difficulty and was ambivalent about continuing. 

Today, she passed out at the oncology center and stopped breathing for an uncertain period of time. EMTs were summoned who performed CPR and brought her to the BRG ER where she was put on a ventilator despite having a DNR document on file. Mary Lou and I came to the ER and spent 2 hours being with Jane and consulting the sisters and Jim Ken. The consensus is to turn off the ventilator, in keeping with her wishes, and see if she continues breathing on her own. Or not. Mary Lou felt unable to be present when this happens, so I am the only family member present. This is for the best and I'm prepared for either way it goes. I was with my Mom when she died and I'm glad I was. 

The ventilator was removed an hour or so and Jane continued breathing on her own. She's still hanging on but the medical staff doesn't think she'll make it. They also said she could go on like this for many hours; so, we'll see.