The dreams keep on coming

 I slept pretty well last night, waking up once around 1:15am to urinate and then getting back to sleep easily without getting my thought process activated. I woke up much later from a long, detailed dream. At the opening, I was in a hospital bed after undergoing some kind of minor surgery. A 30-ish hispanic woman was in another bed on my right. A doctor I knew passed through to make a call from a phone on the far wall and he inquired about my outcome. I think I gave him a short briefing on the status of my retinal issues. After he left, the woman abruptly got out from under her sheets and crawled over my bed to disconnect herself from monitors on the wall to my left. She was unselfconsciously naked but I didn't find her underdeveloped body sexually attractive- I was concerned for her about the inadvisability of what she was doing. A female friend or relative had come into the room and they left AMA. 

I thought this was a bad idea but I then got up and did the same thing. I somehow was transported to a book reading taking place in a wooded rural setting inside a building like one might find at a summer camp, About 40 chairs were arranged for the full audience and the event was in progress when I arrived. Mary Lou was there. I was explaining what happened and I mentioned that Frank Gresham had helped me escape from the hospital. I had trouble remembering his name and it took several tries to say "Frank."

While I was sitting in the audience dressed in a suit, I noticed blood dripping from a surgical wound around my ear or the side of my head. It was getting on a tie I was wearing. I was concerned about the health implications, the reactions of other people, and ruining my clothes and thought I should go back to the hospital to get it checked out, as I had apparently left prematurely. I started away from the event in a car but the dirt roads were confusing. Then I found myself on foot unable to determine where I was or how to proceed. Some people standing around indicated that something was down a slope beneath a nearby bridge. I tried to call Mary Lou on my cell phone but I had difficulty getting the number buttons to work as the phone kept changing in ways that made it impossible because some of the numbers disappeared and then it fell apart in my hands, I was thinking to myself the situation didn't make sense and wondered what was going on. At that point, I woke up and immediately realized, to my relief, it was a dream. 

The dream echoed themes of a long series of similar anxiety nightmares that had elements of my bad experiences with psychedelic drugs (i.e., I'm in Hell).  I wasn't suffering physical pain or threat but rather I was simply stuck in a state of lonely confusion. The dysfunctional metamorphosis of the cell phone has appeared in several previous dreams, always when I'm trying to call Mary Lou for help. 

What does this dream say about me? 

Fragments of elaborate dream s

 I think I took 300mg trazadone last night instead of my usual 150 hs.  As a result I slept hard and remember having some extensive dreams toward morning. I recalled bits and pieces shortly after awakening. 

I was a student at a high school at the end of the school year. I have a vague memory of walking down a hall looking for an empty classroom where perhaps I'd left something- I opened the door but a class was in progress. I felt embarrassed and quickly closed the door and walked away. The Principal had invited me to have dinner with him and my parents, an indication he was going to praise me to them.

Two cars arrived, one full of passengers including Roy Bell and my mother, who had a painful foot injury. She was quite distressed. Roy had a miniature donkey about the size of a chihuahua. It was quite adorable and I wondered how he got it. My Dad was driving the second car with no passengers.  I offered to drive the car with Mom and to get some kind of help for her foot.

At some other point in the dream, I remember we found a batch of very small puppies, a scene reminiscent of Pitbulls and Parolees.

The path forward

 Resolving the questions about my left eye, I can now focus on my priorities, a major one being upgrading the quality of my original song demos. I find myself daunted by the prospect of having to bring out my best singing on the recordings. I believe I can do it and achieve credible vocals but emotionally I'm intimidated by the task. This takes the form of dragging my feet on getting started today, not a new phenomenon, but a very familiar one. I've been retired for a year and a half and I'm only now getting seriously underway. But I do have a start and it's promising, so onward and upward. The clock is ticking and it all counts,

Turning the page on the Trump nightmare and my left eye

Tuesday Jan 19, 2021 

On my way to Boston for a consultation with yet another world class retina specialist, Dr. Dean Elliott, to see if he would like to try surgery to remove the scar tissue (cyclitic membrane) that is blocking the flow of retinal fluid as well as blocking light from reaching my retina. My research indicates that this surgery has been done but the three doctors I've consulted (Fivgas, Weinreb and what's his name in Florida) all say it's got a low probability of success. My view is any chance of success is better than having no useful vision in my left eye, even though my retina is attached and I can perceive light that gets through the curtain of scar tissue. If my eye is further damaged by the surgery, I don't see that I'm worse off than now and I will know I gave it a shot. 

My appointment happened to fall on Joe Biden and Kamala Harris' Inauguration Day. After the horror show at the Capitol on January 6, the FBI warned of possible violent demonstrations by right wing insurrectionists at any or all of the 50 state capitols and the District of Columbia today and tomorrow. Boston, of course, is the capitol of Massachusetts, so I'm wondering what will take place there. 

I plan to stay in my hotel room anyway except to go to my consultation which is right down St. Charles Street from the Liberty, my Marriott luxury hotel (I also am flying first class, what the heck, as I told me Mom on many occasions, if I don't spend it, my children will). I'm not particularly concerned about my safety but I play the odds habitually and have no intention of getting out into a dangerous situation. The COVID pandemic is currently at its most dangerous point and I haven't gotten my first vaccine shot. I did get a test a week ago to document my COVID status which unsurprisingly came back negative. 

January 21, 2021 

A new day dawns 

Yesterday was a joyous day as Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were inaugurated successfully as the new President and Vice-President of the USA. My appointment with Dr. Elliott was at 2pm so I was able to watch the entire ceremony until it ended around 12 Noon EST. The performances by Lady Gaga (the Star Spangled Banner), Jennifer Lopez (This Land is Your Land) and Garth Brooks (Amazing Grace) were lovely and the closing poem The hill we climb by National Youth Poet Laureate Amanda Gorman was sensational. Her poise and confidence, verbal artistry, and delivery were remarkably accomplished. The message was timeless and direct- we mustn't ever surrender in the love-driven struggle for that more perfect union against the forces of selfishness, tribalism, fear and hate. The iconic opening of the old Superman TV series with George Reeves comes to mind: Truth, Justice and the American Way. 

I went to my consultation without fear or worry, prepared to move forward regardless of the medical verdict. After a very thorough work up much like the one at Shiley Institute except for testing the vision in my right eye, I met with the doctor and was told that the condition of my eye is beyond repair. He finally gave me a complete explanation of why that is- among several major issues, the eyeball tissue behind my retina has deteriorated so that the structure can't be returned to its healthy size and strength. Removing the scar tissue, in his opinion, would not fix that or other issues and could further damage the eye. The eye is most likely to remain stable but could deteriorate further resulting in the need to remove the eye. 

I took this in stoically and didn't leave feeling deflated (no pun intended), just mildly disappointed. Looking at the situation objectively, I don't have to undergo further surgery and I'm still able to see well with my right eye. I'm ready to accept the facts and move on. I no longer have to wonder about the condition and what I should do about it. With the end of the disastrous and corrupt Trump administration and dedicated Democrats controlling the Presidency and both Houses of Congress, things can only get better for the USA and the world. I can now turn my full attention

The great irony of our American political times

The supposedly radical socislist Democrats instead of the Republicans are now the party of truth, justice and the American way, the staunch defenders of the Constitution, the Union, law and order, the military, and the rights of the states and are the exemplars of the values taught by Jesus more than the Evangelicals who claim to be conservative. The Democratic Party is tasked with saving the GOP from itself.

The world we have

It would be lovely I suppose to live in a world where good will and rationality prevailed and the leaders all recognized that money and power in the hands of foolish people are like dangerous addictive drugs but at bottom are simply tools that can be used for good or ill, so they all sat down and decided to throw out manipulative lies and regressive tribalism and instead work together, devoting their energies to taking care of the earth and all of its peoples. But we have to deal with the world we have if we hope to move toward the one we'd like to have. ❤